A LOVE LETTER TO THE LOVER OF MY SOUL
Today I sense you close by, oh I am not saying You ever left my side, but at this moment my spirit is sensitive as I hear the soft movement of Your garment. The realm of earth fades and I am at peace. You have broken through my outer shell of concern and fear to reveal Yourself once again. I am drawn to the quietness of the inner sanctuary, not by any effort on my part, so helpless to refuse. All Your doing as You have known my yearning and longing to live in the Light of Your Life and yet knowing full well, I, by Your Spirit am kept living in this place by the Word of Your power, kept there simply because You sustain and continually breath afresh into this one who finds herself in a barren and thirsty land. I have been formed from the dust that I stand upon but because of You it is holy ground, not because of who I am but because of who You are within this earthern vessel.
Was it a dream or a far forgotten memory when I felt Your hands form my being? I lay waiting for I knew not what as I do now still wait for the forming of my spirit woman into Your likeness. Each encounter stripping my egos self life. How long did I wait for Your breath to fill me with Yourself as You spoke me into being? Did You speak softly into my new inert form or was it a command?
I too have been woken from a deep sleep by the breath of Your mouth. Did I hear You say,
" Live" when You placed Your mouth over my nostrils while I slept the sleep of before dreams? Your breath coursed through my body filling my newly formed veins with blood and I took my first breath, opened my eyes as I stood on my feet, gasped in amazement and wonder at all You had made for the sustaining and pleasure of the life You had given me.
Did I at that time, feel the sweet, soft dew of heaven surround me in a canopy of love as I do right now? I know how much You love to hear Your hidden ones acknowledge the awesome power of Your grace mercy and all it means to them. This is my time to speak and tell all You have done for me.
Years after You found me I remembered I had written in 1983 in my little blue book of the sensing within, my life was to change and something most wonderful was to take place. And although I had agreed in my 18th year to give you my life, I had yet to give you my heart.
You called me to come to You over the next months and I remember the day clearly. An overwhelming sense of Your Presence whilst on my sickbed. As I worshipped, Your Spirit gave me utterance with the song and I became filled to overflowing as rivers of living water came forth from my innermost being. Your Voice was not a sound as we know a voice, my mind did not register, but was an inward yearning and longing which continued to draw me and would not let me go. I became a prisoner of love.
You desired to have me for yourself and to achieve Your purposes for me, You left Your throne and Your glory to pursue me at all cost by removing Your royal garments. You dressed like peasant, knowing You could not make Yourself known to me dressed like the Great Lord God Almighty, King of the universe. I would see my unworthiness and run from Your awesome splendour, I believed You could never love me as I was. Your majestic crown replaced by a crown of thorns, Your royal garments for a robe of shame.
You searched for me and found among the many hidden ones who attempted to hide from Your gaze of love, those who hid behind fig leaves of their own making, because of their fear of being known by You. Your eyes moved to and fro, searching here and there, that one is Mine, that one is Mine. You were calling many and I was gathered together with the many You had chosen.
Before You left Your Kingdom an agreement was reached with the other members of the Godhead and those of Your divine council in the heavenly courtroom. The vote was unanimous; there was only one way to convince me beyond doubt of Your love for me. After I had known You for a long time I came to realize how you wooed me and You knew every need of my heart.
FIRE OF LOVE
The world around grows dim as I look into Your eyes,
My soul grows wings and to Your heaven flies.
Your breath ignites a fire as You whisper to my heart,
Deep within my being, Your life to me impart.
Fiery words of life, hidden loves searing flame,
Blaze upon my heart, I'll never be the same.
Sounds of love calling heavens holy Name,
Wondrous KIng of glory, melting all my shame.
My aching heart has many wounds no love on earth can heal,
You are the Balm from heaven, sent with holy fire to seal.
One look, one touch from Glories Son melts the deepest pain.
Mingles with Your shed blood, changed to holy rain.
You wooed me with Your special Voice, so soft and delicate, a whisper of love, heard within my heart. You have a loud voice when you You have need to roar like a lion, but for now for this purpose, for my sake, Your special voice was like dew falling on grass in the quiet of the night. In the beginning You came at night when the earth was still and my feverish soul was at rest. Golden amber honey, filling me with sweet warmth; the gentle landing of a white dove on my shoulder, the touch of velvet on my skin, the fragrant clean smell of a garden after the autumn rain. Your Presence, a radiant glow, silver moonbeams upon still water, iridescent love. My heart became soft and enlarged, ready to welcome Your essence.
When You spoke to me with Your special Voice, You knew how easily I became frightened and took great care with my fragile heart as many times I ran from You, fearful, hiding in my wounded place. You did not become rejected by my shy fear of Your love, seeking me endlessly with words of love, drawing me out of my self made place of safety. I was not aware of my fear of being loved, believing there is a price for love, only to find Your love is unconditional. Oh, how You sought me, how Your heart longed to remove and soothe my pain, to undo all the harm my soul had endured with Your ointment of words. Many times I consented to yield to Your desire for me, but my heart would once again close itself to You. It had become hard ground, not yet ready to yield to Your gentle ploughing. When I was sad, You were sad and You allowed Your tears to mingle with mine, until at last my closed unyielding heart consented to receive Your seeds of Love.
But of course at that time I had no realisation of what it cost You to capture me from the very one who had sought to destroy me, to snatch me away from You. I had been in captivity and the evil one would have me back as a slave to his purposes. You had opened the door to my prison and I was free, but after being in chains of fear for so long, it was so difficult to walk in freedom. The day would come when I would know of all You did to win me. I too would be led to to forsake my own life as a sacrifice for You and I would be willing to do so.
You took me to a garden where I saw at one time You had wept so hard, small pockets of blood came to the surface of Your skin in agony at the choice You had made to win my soul. You exchanged Your royal crown studded with diamonds and precious stones for a crown of thorns piercing Your dear head. I saw the bloody wounds on Your body for the healing of mine. The Water of Life and the Divine Life Blood came forth from Your pierced side, birthing yet another into the new bloodline of royalty. I saw the holes in Your hands and feet where you stored Your seeds of Love, a never ending supply coming forth as You touched so many broken hearts as was mine. I now belonged to the Chosen generation, the Warrior Bride, carrying and wielding the Sword of Truth, the Sword of Your Spirit, declaring Your sovereignty to the powers of darkness.
After many times I let You down, as I thought, You never spoke words of condemnation, I know You sensed my withdrawing from You. My life had been one of others punishing me by withholding their love and care, I could never measure up, I imagined You had changed Your mind until I realised You are the same, yesterday, today and forever. You knew the one from whom You rescued me was trying to have me for himself, telling me lies, putting thoughts in my head, reminding me of my past, the bad things I had done, telling me my King does not love me and I didn't deserve to be His Queen; even lying about Your existence. All my confusion and fear overwhelmed me again and Your Special Voice became so distant I could barely hear.
I tried to talk myself out of my own thoughts until my mind became so tired, I once again turned to the things that were part of my life before You spoke of Your love for me. But, oh You loved me so much, You looked for me in all my hiding places until You found me again. You told me You would always pursue me for there is nowhere I could hide from Your eyes of Love. In Your Presence I was protected, my healing, my peace and my true identity could only be found in You. Your eyes saw all I could be as You drew me to love You, I was safe knowing You knew my every thought, desire and need.
The more time I spent with You, the old clothing I wore no longer seemed right for me, they belonged to another time, another place, another woman. A woman in love dressed for her Lover. I found myself clothed with garments I never thought would suit the woman I had become used to seeing in the mirror. Now when I saw my image it had been transformed, the old dirty rags were no longer fitting for a future bride. I was a royal woman waiting for her wedding day, describing this clothing, so difficult to explain with mere human words.
Only those whose eyes had been washed by You could see this clothing. They too had allowed You to smear their eyes with eye salve, but many still needed Your eye ointment.
If only they would consent to allow You to wash their eyes with Your ointment of Love, they too would see You with the eyes of their spirit.
I had always seen myself through the words others had imposed on me. You taught me that power lay in the words we speak, they could bring life or death over another. The many significant others in my life thought to brand me with their own preconceived ideas of who I was. Few cared or took the time to ask and had they done so, I perhaps would have hesitated for fear of being misunderstood.
You invited me to come dine with You at Your banqueting table, a table that had been set before the foundation of the world, You knew I would belong to You. When a bride marries into royalty, she inherits the Kings' wealth, estate, respect and throne. What a glorious throne. I am that woman. You wrote me amost beautifu poem I shall always treasure.
There is a place for your sad soul to hide,
A wound carved out in My pierced side,
Hidden deep from the probing eyes of man,
The great mystery of My Fathers plan.
When Your heart is trembling with many fears
And youve' shed what seems a river of tears,
Youve' only to drop on your bended knee,
To hear My Voice whisper," Come to Me"
I count each tear that falls from your eyes
As the enemy wounds you with more of His lies.
Will you hear what I say, " He has no power"?
Remember My words in My final hour.
"It Is finished" I cried as I gave up My life,
For the future joy of you as My wife.
My Father has chosen a bride for His Son,
That the whole world rejoice, living as one.
Each tear a pearl, wrought through much pain,
What you thought was loss, I used for My gain.
The wedding gown, still being sown,
Worn by blood of My blood and bone of My bone.
The cloth of this gown, embroidered with tears,
The pearls I have treasured down through the years.
So precious are they as I hear your heart cry.
And for that reason I chose to die.
There's comfort and peace the world can't give,
Found only in Me, if you consent to live.
I am your Rest, a home to abide.
I will carry You there My beautiful bride.
I was as one betrothed as there had been an unspoken agreement between us, of course initiated by You. Words were not needed, Your heart asked mine long before before I was born.
I had been so unsure of my attractiveness to You, but now the beauty only You could see was brought to the surface of my being. This transformation came in the form of an inner adornment that was only obvious to those who also had been clothed from above. It was possible to recognise others who had also been chosen.
Your presence bought about this inner person transformation and as I began to feel safe with You, I could readily admit to You that I was spirituall poor, blind and naked. It had become easy to tell You the deepest secrets of my heart, although by now it was obvious You knew the hidden things of my heart even before I became aware of them. Still it gave You great delight when I openly shared my deepest longings and yearnings, my shame, my failure and weaknessess. No more would I have to cover myself in Your presence, You saw the nakedness and state of my soul and You still loved me. I never needed to hide again, You promised me You would clothe me white, make spiritually rich, I would no longer be blind as You washed my eyes, I could behold the wonder of You. Clothed with Your glory, I could walk with You in Your garden beside the crystal clear River of life.
Not only did I now know how beautiful I was to You, but I saw myself as You did, a virgin, I had an inner beauty, my spirit was pure and whole, brand new, clean and undefiled. Oh we both knew it had nothing to do with anything sexual, although by now it was clear that my previous thoughts of my ugliness were a direct result of many bad experinces, bad choices and words of cursing that had been spoken over me. Many situations in the past had led me
to see life as hopeless. My eyes had become cloudy from viewing through the blackness of sin that added to my sense of uncleaness.
Your words penetrated and washed deep within. I no longer neede to grasp at any means to self clean my soul. What an impossible task for me, But all things are possible with You.
A powerful change was taking place, but I was not always conscious of this change, especially at the start. Often the revelation came much later as a deep peace began to be the place I lived in. Morning would break and another dark night was over, never to return. I am reminded of a time when there will be no more night, no moon, no stars. The light of Your glory will shine forever. There was a time when these nights seemed to go on forever, until at last the day burned brighter and brighter and my soul bathed in Your Light.
I had been washed inside and out, washed with Your words. Oh it may not have been apparent on the surface, but deep within a divine exchange was taking place, my soul had been washed until all sense of defilement and the feeeling of being unclean melted away.
Feeling naked and exposed before others had left a constant need to cover up.
Dishonoured by man and unprotected from the attack of the enemy I had been a target from all who felt they had the right, I had no armour until......... I called Your Name and You came to me.
My stained and wrinkled clothing disappeared as You dressed me with a garment of praise placing a garland of grace around my neck as My soul became transparent before You. Your heavenly Father chose me as glorious, royal daughter and I was to receive special training in the courts of the King. You desired I would sit beside You, along with many other virgins as Your Queen.
My wedding robe of many colours was embroidered with pearls, woven gold, fine linen and silk although not visible to human eyes was for Your eyes only; so glorious was its beauty, a gossamer film of colour, transparent light overlaid with sapphires, jasper stones, emeralds, amethyst, beryl and topaz. Clusters of miniature pearls, my tears You had saved, wrought through made heavy with Your love. You transformed my tears into a beautiful covering for my soul.
Only You had the right to lift that veil and then I would ss You face to face. Because of Your work on my heart, my character had become the sweet aroma in Your nostrils of myrrh, aloes and cassia, the fragrance of Your life within. These could only come as I laid down my own life and allowed Your life to be mine as You had done for me.
The ability to hear Your Special Voice became so fine tuned I could hear in the midst of the clatter and clamour of the many voices of the earthly life around me. I was sure if I dared to speak this out to some they would say I had a mental disorder. It did not matter as there was nothing or no-one on earth, under the earth or in heaven could remove Truth once it takes root in the soul. There were others who knew Truth never came as disorder. Disorder only brings despair and hopelessness, never is it the Voice of Love.
I knew Your presence even before I heard Your Voice. I found deep within, a hearing that picked up the soft sound of Your coming, the whisper of Your garment, although You were never far away. I learnt that You were always ready for the sweet call of Your name, I loved to say it often and it never mattered there were many voices calling You, I never questioned whether You could hear me, You always came when I called, it was music to Your ears. I could almost taste honey when I spoke Your name and could smell the sweet aroma of heaven and only those who had visited there could know of its sweetness.
I had many questions that needed to be answered and You were aware of them, as You often gave me the answers before I asked. They were hidden inside of me, in my heart and we both knew hearts could speak to each other. You told me this and as I pondered this mystery I came to realize the world I lived in was not the real one. It was the world of the mind, an accumulation of information, ideas and memories, thoughts and mindsets passed down from one generation to another. Each persons world was different therefore could only be conceived as reality. There is another world; this one of the heart where words are often not needed.
I discovered hearts connected by Divine Love know Truth and what is Truth to one will be the same Truth to another. Truth is hidden deep in all hearts, just as a seed lying in the cool winter earth waiting for the warmth of the Sun to bring it forth from its place of captivity, never to die, waiting for its resurrection time.
I began to hear a song, it had been stored within my heart, waiting for its time of resurrection. The melody moved throughout my body in waves of glowing fire, warmth spreading through my whole being. Out from my heart came a Voice, the most beautiful Voice I had ever heard, resonating from within me. Of course I had heard it before, it wasn't my voice, it was Your special Voice. Wonder flooded me, Your Voice of Truth singing in my soul. Wooing me with Your Voice of Love, Your Voice of Life, You whose Name on my lips tastes like honey. It had lodged in my heart and was gently permeating every place I had found to hide. The soft warmth burnt, a bitter sweet release of pockets of pain, much like the sealing of a great wound that for so long had refused to heal, a closing soothing ointment of love. The fire of love was burning the scares of mistrust, fear, shame and rejection. My heart became soft, pliable, melted and moulded into an electromagnetically charged organ filled and overflowing with the Water of LIfe. You were my Fire of Love and my Living Water. How could this be so? So many mysteries yet to be revealed.
This song never ended as it resounded through out my whole being, at times hardly perceptible, especially when the unholy one assailed me as he often did in this deeper cutting away of all the attachments in my soul. It would not be quiet and at times l allowed it to come forth, welling up from my depths like the bursting forth from a deep well that had been blocked for so long.
Oh my Beloved, forgive me for distancing myself from You. I was aware of Your presence as You watched me from behind the lattice, waiting patiently for my return. Many things have hindered my connection as the enemy has made war with my soul. The woman at the well comes to mind, You remember when You presented her with the state of her soul, where she had taken many lovers in an attempt to fill the emptiness and barrenness of her life. Her meeting with You was a divine appointment and You guided her in Your gentle and loving way to drink from the well of Your salvation. So too must I, for there is no thing and no person who can satisfy the way You do. My last letter to You was of the well and beneath hidden from sight, a river flowing from eternity, no beginning and no end. It always was. A fountain of pure water, endlessly satisfying my soul's thirst where You invited me to come and drink of You, the Water of Life.
When I first began to sing to You, I tried not to listen to the jarring and discordant notes of my own imperfect voice, but each time I knew the sound called you closer and You made it very clear it delighted Your heart. Many times, especially at the darkest and hardest moments, I found Your sweet whispers enabled me to sing through my pain and heaing would come. I have heard it said, a nightingale only sings in the dark confinement of it's cage. This dark place of confinement became the Secret Place of divine appointment with You.
You had waited so patiently for my yes to You, love could not be hurried. The yielding and relinquishment that made me who I was gave way to the overtaking of Your life within me. Such sweet surrender, You claimed me for Yourself, not to beared with another and I would have it no other way. Unlike an earthly lover who would have abandoned me in my times of desolation and turmoil, You drew me closer and I knew You would never leave me. The times I could not sense Your Presence, I could smell the aroma of heaven. Of course it had nothing to do with my natural perception of things.
Your life was buried in my inward parts: there it waited for its resurrection time. This pattern of many dyings and resurrections happened so often: the ebb and flow of tides taking with it the flotsam and jetsam far from the shoreline of my soul.
If only I could discard the heavy weight of my earthly, frail tent, it was only a temporary dwelling place for my spirit which knew the other place from which it had journeyed. my soul had succumbed often not so easily to Yours and now I belonged to You.
Soon the song became quiet, lost inside my spirit, becoming part of my being. I missed the the ecstasy of it soaring within, You weremy song in my many nights of suffering, but all things must bow the knee to Your obedience.
Had I held the song as an indication of Your Presence, even that must go. I began to sense a severing, a fragmentation and w I could discern the difference between SEEING' with the eyes of my spirit and the eyes of my flesh( my earthly eyes). No it was not of the flesh or some occult witchcraft as some would think. Your life within me was my source of seeing and bought with it clarity of light and revelation. How long does this last, this not being complete, this looking beyond? Seeing the completed picture of myself, but not able to reach and take what I knew to be my inheritance.
You were teaching me the mysteries and secrets of Your Kingdom and the only way I could know these mysteries was to come to You in the Secret Place, to come under the shadow of the spirit of Your Holiness, the only safe place for my spirit to find rest.
There were those about me who misunderstood the depths You would be willing to take Your chosen ones. My words as I tried to tell of Your great love were beyond their comprehension. Words from the throne room require a different perspective and would only be received if they too spent time in the Secret Place. Of course that would be so as they were heaven sent. I had to learn that they needed You to convince them as I once did. The receiving of their spiritual inheritance was not something you were given as one would receive a sum of money or a grand estate although Your promise was of a mansion with many rooms. No, You are the riches, the inheritance and the estate.
It was who one became when You were given permission to indwell, to bury You as a seed to become the life force, the very Source of life to the waiting heart. In the world of the Spirit one receives a new mind, a new creation. The old ways of looking at all things transformed into a rich tapestry of life, a weaving of different colours and perceptions of divine Truth. Many perceive this as an earthly aquisition or riches from heaven ( this may be partly so), thinking at last they have the abundant life, the reward. The now time with all its strain and striving, testing and temptation. One can endure the pain, sorrow, torment and tribulation if one boosted the faith life and projected into it a hope for some future goal.
I had only just begun to love You and would in time love You above all else.
Many times and in many ways I would use words to convey to closed unseeing eyes and deaf ears, You are the inheritance, now not in the distant future. You are the abundant life to be lived today. Oh! when would the words of the Spirit pour forth from my being? When would the the Sweet Manna of heaven pour forth upon the water to sustain all who hunger and thirst? I knew the inheritance came in the form of a divine connection, a unity of heart far beyond an earthly marriage. Beulah, a divine married state of being, an eternal where no death could ever separate.
Beulah Land was a memory in the inner chamber of my heart, so often coming as a sweet yearning, waiting for the time when I would come home with all those who also yearned for their own homecoming. The time of wandering, looking for a place of rest seemed so far off.
I had been on this journey for so long and many times took the wrong turn and had to retrace my steps. I was so thankful that You, my eternal Light, very rarely dimmed, always in view though sometimes You seemed a long way in the distance. I longed for Your closeness, coming to understand You were as close as my breath. You were in fact , MY VERY BREATH, just as in the beginning when You spoke all things into being, fashioned and formed me from the dust of the earth, You bent down to me, placed Your mouth over my nostrils and breathed into me, Your Life. Wonder of wonders, You are the Source of my life.
23rd March 2018
I had read all about You in Your special book but now I knew you intimately.
How can one have a memory of a place if one had never been there? Just a question that answers itself. Of course I had been there, otherwise how could one think of returning home if one had not left. This garden, this warm enclosed place of safety, where no unclean thing lives and no darkness came and went. No corrupted thought or action had the power to rob, steal and destroy. Surrounded and protected in a canopy of Love. I had walked in this garden where Love never fails. Many times I walked with You hidden deep in the midst of a great city called Love.. This city is named Love, for Your name is Love and You are its King. You are its breath and Your breath holds it together.
You are Love, the Light and the Light of this great city. When You speak Your words are filled with love and Light, creating wonderful joy and affirmation to all who have ears to hear.
If only all could hear and listen, they too would experience the profound joy and comfort that can only be described as a soothing, aromatic ointment, penetrating deep within, soothing and healing all the deep, untouched wounds of lifes pain. The softest, sweetest, morning dew, like silk to the touch and tasting like honey. I imagined it would be exactly like the dew that fell each morning upon the Bread of Heaven, the sweet Manna, sent to feed Your first people who were hungry and thirsty as they wandered in the desert looking for a place to rest. They did not know it was You they were searching for. Without You, life is desert until they find You are the well and drink deeply of You. They come to know You are the Living Water in a dry and barren world.
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